Becoming a mother is something I’ve always wanted. If I’m being honest, I think a part of me believed I wanted it too much. Like it would never actually happen because that would be "too good to be true."
Now that it is very much happening, I’m faced with the challenge of deciding what I want my life to look like as I enter my journey into motherhood.
Nic and I made the decision for me to work part-time during my pregnancy so I could enjoy my pregnancy and map out what I wanted the next chapter of my life to look like.
I’ve always thought that I would be a stay-at-home mum. That I had to be, to make up for all the childhood I missed out on due to adversity. That I couldn’t be a good mum unless I committed my life completely to my family. It felt like that was almost the price I had to pay for what my childhood looked like.
I’ve recently changed my mind on that, though. A huge part of my mental health journey has been learning how to reflect on the struggle, being able to figure out why some periods of my life have been harder than others.
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my "sad girl" era of last year and realized a massive contributing factor was understimulation. It was the first time in my life I wasn’t working full-time, volunteering at charities, nursing a substance abuse tendency, or in a relationship. For the first time in my life, I had given myself A LOT of free time. Along with the free time, I had no real motivation for anything other than a career in mental health. I didn’t just want a job that paid the bills; I wanted a job that made me feel like I was doing something to help.
Looking back on it, I can clearly see I was in a prison of my own making. I was sad because I was understimulated, and I was understimulated because I was too sad to find stimulation.
It worked out, though. After a year of falling forward, aiming, shooting, and aiming again, I’ve found myself building the career I want in a space that's forever growing.
The funny thing is, looking back, I know the "understimulated sad girl" route was probably the fastest way to get me using social media to spread mental health resources. Every other idea I had needed a huge amount of money and support to get off the ground.
Realizing that I had to get to a space of absolute desperation to find my way feels both calming and frustrating… and that’s okay.
Last year happened, and I learned what I needed to learn.
I learned that:
Understimulation can be a massive contributor to my mental health struggles.
Finding a new path in life is messy (that’s probably why people don’t do it that much).
Sometimes being a "sad girl" is just a necessary part of your story.
You have to sacrifice and grieve the old life if you want a new one.
Working towards a bigger purpose makes me a better human to be around and keeps the "sad girl" at bay.
So, what does this all mean for my motherhood journey?
I’m gonna be a working mum because a stimulated mum is a healthy mum.
I believe my babies deserve to be raised in a home filled with love. Love for them, love for myself, love for their father, and most of all, love for life.
Because by showing them how to love life, I give them the best shot to love it themselves.
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