Since Nic moved to Auckland I've been curiously observing my behaviour. Its felt like the motivated and career driven woman Nic fell in love with has gone on holiday and in her place he's been left with an away with fairies Cass.
I'm finding myself floating around the house, struggling to complete tasks and quite frankly craving doing absolutely nothing. On top of that I'm picking little fights and crying the moment I begin to feel overwhelmed. Why though? Why is it that the easier my life gets the less drive I have for it.
I've read lots of books on trauma so I somewhat understand what's going on. Due to the excessive amount of stress hormones my brain was exposed to when it was developing it's become reliant on them. So I'm a stress junkie, always searching for my next fix.
How messed up is that? My childhood designed my to seek chaos, to crave mayhem. No wonder I'd struggled as an adult. No wonder my loving and peaceful relationship feels so foreign. No wonder I'm creating mountains out of molehills. My body is literally going through with-drawls.
So currently I'm detoxing, starving my body of the stress fix it so desperately seeks. Forcing myself to be peaceful to enjoy life for what it is - calm.
I think if you ask any addict they'll say the cravings never completely go away but they've designed a life where the craving for other things over ride that.
So that's what I'm doing forming addictions to new hormones. Happy hormones. Each day shedding the image of my former junkie self.
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