I was lying on the couch thinking about money. Hardly shocking considering the climate, when it clicked. I’m the richest I’ve ever been. Most assets, least debt, stabel home, Corrina’s in a great school, we’re never eating bad or struggling really in the grand scheme of things.
How can I not feel abundant now? But I realised I do feel abundant, but I feel abundant and sad. It’s so intersting cause I think if I told Cass from a year ago that our life was going to look like this in a year – she would be OVER THE MOON.
So why am I never proud of myself? Why do I have this constant need to do more, to prove something. Why do I have this emotional connection to struggle.
But for me that proves it. I had put a lifestyle like this on a pedestal for so long the realisation that sad girl still visits hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Play on though. I know she won’t stay forever, I know I’ve run from her for years.
Okay well I didn’t actually know that until just then but that makes sense. This is my first home, a place I created and keep safe. I’ve worked so hard to give Corrina the home that she deserves I’ve given myself the home that I deserve as well.
A place where you can exist and feel. Love and be loved. A place of peace, learning and laughing.
So why am I never proud of myself?
- The trauma
- The healing
- Constantly comparing me to others
- Weekend in jail
- Is my body keeping the score?
A year ago my life was in...umm... We’ll call it early construction, mess everywhere. 2x Domestic Assault charged, weekend in the cells, 2x Protection orders pending, 1x Parenting order pending, Uni asked to take compassionate release, job x2 secured af tho
My partner and me were just breaking up. Everything was felt hard.
But now I’m here in a home - better than ever before, career - secure, passion project - growing, relationship with Corrina - beautiful, routine - sorted and NOW I can’t get out of bed?
Make it make sense. I’m so bored of being sad. I want to have energy for my life again.
One great finding though from this entire experience – Money doesn’t actually buy happiness. It cushions the feelings for sure. There’s nothing I love more than staring at the ocean as a ball my eyes on in the shower – wow I never thought I’d say that a year ago. – but the money hasn’t kept sad girl away
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