Allowing myself to be both has been one of the most freeing realizations from the last year. Being both the fun big sister and the voice of reason mother. Being both the driven career woman and slow healing soul. Being both wanting to be alone and lonely.
Allowing things to exist parallel without forcing them to cross paths has created so much room for flow in my life. When I was a child, I was always both. I was the girly girly who loved playing with my barbies whilst also being the boisterous young lady who liked playing in the mud. I was a quick-tempered passionate arguer whilst also being overly sensitive to critisms.
In the past I’ve struggled being both. Always so desperate to belong to a specific group. I think that’s what I was really searching for; just belonging somewhere. Feeling at home somewhere, feeling safe. I was convinced that if I fitted into a group I would be accepted.
I’ve tried being the party girl, the girlfriend girl, the glamourous flight attendant that always looks put together, the chill girl that doesn’t care what she looks like. I’ve dipped my toes in a couple of pools and I’m glad I did. I’m glad I’ve experienced life through different lenses so I could dictate how I wanted to view the world.
Now though, I’ve created my own environment; that’s warm and safe. A place where I’ve given myself the freedom to just be. To exist as I am with no expectations. I created this for Corrina so desperate for her to feel safe and loved and as a bi-product I’ve allowed myself to feel that as well.
It’s so beautiful parenting her as a parent myself. Meeting her mistakes with love have taught me to meet my own mistakes with the same energy.
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